Comic by MiniandEunice.com
Honestly, folks, Iโm having a hard time with gratitude this year. Iโve dubbed 2019 my โTrial by Fireโ year โ professing to all who will listen to my sob stories that if I survive it, Iโll be like a phoenix rising from the ashes. It feels like as soon as January rolled over, all hell broke looseโฆand itโs pretty much been rollinโ into a slow, suffocating "โeff Brittany" blaze ever since.
Just when I think the coals are smoldering and I can breathe a little (maybe even pat myself on the back for being a bad bitch and handling things like a boss โ yet again), what do we have? Another frigginโ flame. You get to the point where the next crisis is almost laughable because itโs practically predictable. Like, โYes, of course this would happen to me.โ
In this weekโs episode of The Crappy Chronicles, some punk side-swiped my car and drove off while I was home sick. So, now Iโm working the old-school vigilante angle trying to track them down. I actually made a flyer for details of the vehicle that struck me (from what my amateur sleuth skills could deduce from the damage, of course) and sent it out to a bunch of body shops in my area โ because my chubby gut tells me that the likelihood itโs someone in the surrounding jungle is pretty high.
I encouraged the recipient of the flyer to join forces with me in finding the person who did this, trying to appeal to their sympathetic nature (while also referring to the miscreant as a POS โ sorry, not sorry). I fervently check the driverโs side front bumper, light and door of all the red cars I come across. I post (somewhat humorous) passive-aggressive signs in the window calling out the garbage human who has robbed me of hundreds of dollars of my hard-earned money.
Iโve gotten cordial condolences from friends and family. People supporting my signage and sharing my outrage (even though, yes, this kind of dumb driving stuff happens all the time). My mom wisely told me to look at the bright side โ I have the money saved and donโt have to put it on a credit card. And yep, thatโs true. Good point. But ya know what? Iโm still angry. Iโm still aggrieved that I have to shell out my own clams for someone elseโs shitty choice when Iโve paid for my own and then some.
So, where do I put this anger? Where are strong emotions supposed to go? Iโm fine for hours, my senses distracted by the daily grind, and then it slips back in. I think about what happened and it swells up again, like an undercurrent anticipating a riptide. I want to fume and bellow about how tired I am of these trials and tribulations. The way every time I get ahead, something drags me back. And in this particular case, I want the right person to pay. I want justice, goddammit.
I say all of this to verbosely segue into the topic of this post, which is that today is World Gratitude Day and International Day of Peace. Now, the peace that is fundamentally referred to here is more like the kind that encourages you to commit to peaceful interactions with others, and consciously contribute to a culture of peace despite differences. Love thy neighbor and such. Unfortunately, it seems like a large chunk of the world is really struggling with this concept right now, huh?
And as youโve probably caught onto by this point (because youโre smart cookies), Iโm personally struggling with finding a sense of peace in this hit-and-run situation that Iโm facing. Perhaps if this was only one of a few inconvenient violations on my life (and happiness) thus far in this hell year, I might not want to go all Office Space on the person who dealt this blow โ literally. But itโs not (and I kinda do). However, despite the storms brewing inside of me at any given moment, I still conduct myself harmoniously with people that I come into contact with because Iโm not a total monster โ unless I find myself face-to-face with my most recent violator in a dark alley. I kid, I kid. Iโm a lover, not a fighter.
Truly, Iโm still homing in on what peace actually means to me, and how Iโm supposed to experience it. How to understand it, especially during a slew of allegorical rainy days. How to summon it when I want to karate chop some jackhole in the throat. But seriously, sometimes I envy people who appear to be so Zen-like; especially when itโs, like, sustainable Zen. Whatโs the secret for longevity? Everything Iโve tried is temporary. The feeling of letting it go and accepting โit is what it isโ. At least until it runs its course โ and I want to move on faster. Because, well, itโs uncomfortable and irritating.
An insightful Cherokee story (and beautiful life philosophy) that I was directed towards years ago still resonates with me when Iโm feeling these intense unpleasant emotions; and Iโm bright enough to comprehend the lesson, but itโs still hard sometimes. Yes, it helps reign me in and reflect rationally, or have a catharticย ugly cry like Iโve been doing while writing this post, but the choice is what I battle with when presented with a difficult situation of transgression โ which is, like, several times a month at this rate.
There are probably various renditions floating around, but hereโs the gist. The boy in the story is upset because another kid has done him some injustice. Sound familiar? It should since this whole post is me complaining about that exact thing. His grandfather sits him down and precedes to lay that OG spiritual wisdom on him, as follows:
The old Cherokee chief said to his grandson,
โI too, at times, have felt a great hatred for those who have taken so much with no sorrow for what they do. Hatred wears you down, and hatred does not hurt your enemy. Hatred is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these emotions many times.
Itโs as though a fight is continuously going on inside me. It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf is good and does no harm. He is filled with joy, humility and kindness. He lives in harmony with everyone around, and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.
The other wolf is full of anger, envy, regret, greed and self-pity. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone all the time, and for no reason. When blinded by his anger and hatred, he does not have a sound mind. It is helpless anger, because his anger will change nothing.
It is hard to live with these two wolves inside me. These two wolves are constantly fighting to control my spirit. Young man, the same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person on this earth.โ
The grandson thought about it for a moment and then asked his grandfather, โWhich wolf will win inside you, grandpa?โ
The old Cherokee chief smiled and replied, โThe one I feed.โ
I know that I have to choose to feed the right wolf, and forgive the lack of integrity in others, and thatโs a challenge when Iโm faced with a nonstop barrage of frustrating life bombs that I canโt control. Again, I possess the intelligence to recognize that reality isnโt all party confetti shooting out of unicornโs asses, but how do you maintain a peaceful state, inwardly and outwardly, when youโre stuck in the gravitational suck of perpetual misfortune? I guess thatโs a rhetorical question, unless you feel compelled to divulge what keeps you compos mentis. Iโm all ears.
My genuine hope is that there really is more good than bad in this world; and that most folks are at peace with their circumstances and grateful for the blessings the Universe has bestowed upon them โ no matter how minimal they may seem at times. Thankfully, I witness acts of love, tolerance, and acceptance within my orbit (and even globally), which I believe has a ripple effect. It helps me acknowledge that this micro year is a blip on the macro radar of life, and that my current discomfort is a temporary, fluctuating state of being. I mean, my survival rate thus far is 100% โ and that ainโt no small thang.
I do have a lot to be grateful for and there are (albeit fleeting) moments of ceasefire that keep me tethered to my wits โ sometimes by a thread, but I havenโt completely unraveled yet. Iโm growing accustomed to the hard-knock life, and this has made me bloom into a stronger person despite being metaphorically punched in the face more times than I care to count. I still get up every day, get my shit together, and get in survival gear. Because thatโs all I can do โ persevere. That and read (and re-read, re-read, re-read) the magnet message on my fridge that has become my mantra:
Thank you, sincerely, for letting me get this off my chest and release its hold on me. Gratitude is a daily practice, much like anything that requires routine maintenance, and itโs something that Iโm still learning. Itโs easy to be grateful when things are easy, but thatโs not the way it works. Peace also takes practice, and patience, especially in the face of adversity. But thatโs when itโs needed most, and when it makes the most impact.
Be a positive ripple, friends, because that is what this world needs more of โ not non-driving asshats.
xo
B